So Loud

there are times when I try to run from it
run from what’s trapped;
it’s so loud.
and I can’t say that enough,
in enough ways,
with enough weight,
it’s loud and it gets worse and perpetuates.
it permeates my exterior,
confuses my conversations,
I cannot be without it.

but it beats me down until I am
soaking in hot shower water
crying, pulling at my hair,
my skin feels so tight,
my body can’t hold it,
it’s always let out in a whisper:
“let it go,
let it go,
let it go,
let it go.”
or
“make it stop,
make it stop,
make it stop.”
I can’t scream it
and I have to pinch myself into
consciousness,
because the whispers, they start and then they loop, they become a microcosm for my mind,
a looping hell
I get trapped verbally.

it’s the only thing that could come out

until it isn’t anymore.
until the mind that causes it’s own destruction reels at wanting a new pattern,
pulls me out,
dries me off,
clothes me,
puts me back into the larger routine.

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