I sit down and hate the sound of my own breath;
I can hear the grating of oxygen in my esophagus and it disgusts me.
It’s a hyper-active, hyper-awareness that I’ve come to have, a fear of being a heavy breather,
and I think the reason why
is because I have placed so much pressure on myself
so much metaphorical and emotional weight
that for some reason cannot be shed,
I may look 145-155 but I’m actually around 240
when you calculate actual BMI it’s healthy,
but the emotional BMI is above 33.
I am obese with the weight of my negative emotions.
and in that way, I have become an emotional mouth breather.
I don’t know how to shed this,
it fluctuates so rapidly that I can’t keep it in check.
crying regulates it,
talking plateaus it,
working can go either way.
There must be a process of exercises
that can take place to rid me of this terrible, gasping maw, of a conscience.
If only they came as an answer to a math problem:
straight forward, shedding all question of doubt.