Not Participating

I am aware that I use my thoughts as an excuse,
I realize, you’ve said it and
I realize, you didn’t HAVE to say it,
I realize that I use thinking as an excuse to not participate in life.

I used it as an excuse to participate less with so many people because somewhere along the line I got increasingly tired of their silly attitudes, their self-centered ideals, their inane babble
(how pretentious of you “I know, I’m the worst”)
I didn’t want to be a part of that so I shut myself inside the only place that I had control, my own mind.
Surprisingly enough it used to be quiet there, it used to be a four-point intersection with a blinking red light, now it’s a metropolis of smog and trodden confetti from last year’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

I lost so much of who I was inside the noise of my own head, attempting to participate in the correct manner,
I didn’t do much.
I only shut my own confidence away.
I only alienated my individuality into hobbies as opposed to legitimate interests.

Now, I’m searching through the city in my head, looking through the construction,
the subways,
the highways,
the cafés
looking for the pieces of myself that I scattered in the roots of the thought, trying to go back to what matters so that the pacing makes sense.