Throughout time, as the history of the universe has slowly unfurled itself from a ball of red string into a marbled mess of time and space,
A certain type of human has emerged from the woodwork: The Crazy Cat Lady.
Since this archetype of individual is a brand new phenomenon, just recently coming to small social circles and private Facebook group chat sessions across the nation, allow me to shed some light on what these women are all about.
When out to spend the day with a Crazy Cat Lady, here are four things one should constantly be subconsciously aware of.
1. If you’re at a coffee shop and she orders a latte with no espresso, don’t be the person that judges her; respectively, if she begins to lap at her steamed milk just understand that it’s a part of her culture.
2. If you should ever smell something funny when around your Crazy Cat Lady, don’t fret. More likely than not, it is the subtle aroma of feline urine that long ago soaked into her skin and now permeates her clothing.
3. She will never tell you this, but your Crazy Cat Lady, underneath the hair-caked sweaters and matted orange scrunchy, is secretly very prideful of the fact that every 20 something granola girl uses her identity as their claim to fame.
4. If you are ever stuck in a conversational rut, the only thing you need to do is ask about one cat: not only will you get a full detailed description of her wonderful rescue named Hercules and his near demise at the hands of Stephen, the caring doctor in charge of euthenization at the pet clinic who she wouldn’t mind seeing without a needle in his hand every now and then, but you will also hear about Gertrude, Oscar, Holden, Captain Mittens, Gregory, Blaze, Sparky, Princess Piffy Paws and at least six others whose stories your Crazy Cat Lady has at her disposal at a moments notice.
If you find it difficult to operate under these four guidelines of etiquette and polite behavior then chances are that a Crazy Cat Lady is just not for you and your chances would be better off sticking with some kind of sickly dog person. We all wish you the best of luck.